The Dream
As I sit here and think about writing this piece, I can’t lie. I don’t feel like writing. That’s probably not an admission you’re used to hearing because not many people will say it. Sure, they’ll go on Social Media and make jokes about how they are posting instead of writing, but only some will ever admit that they don’t feel like doing the one thing we’re supposed to do as writers. But, to be honest, sometimes I don’t feel like writing. Not because I don’t love writing. But because I’m so freaking tired from going nonstop that I don’t have the energy to write. I’ve talked at length on several Social Media sites about how being a small business owner and self-published author is like having about five full-time jobs, and, most of the time, it’s okay. I carry the load, powered by optimism or my ability to concentrate on the journey instead of the goal. But, I occasionally raise my head and notice that the finish line seems no closer. Today is one of those days.
Before publishing my first book, getting caught up in the daydream of it all was easy. We all dream about publishing our novel and the accolades that will come with it. But then we publish it and find out that to get your book noticed, much less receive accolades, is damn hard work. Every niche is oversaturated with content, not just from our fellow writers trying to get noticed but with books generated by AI cranked out in the time it takes me to write this article. From growing up watching Sci-Fi movies, you would think the robots would be coming to take over. But, I never dreamed of having to compete with the Terminator for a spot on the Amazon top ten.
Because of all this competition, marketing your book has become more critical than ever. Gone are the days when you could put your book out with a catchy cover at just the right price point, and copies would sell. These days, I’m convinced you have two choices: be brilliant at social media and attract attention to yourself, or be willing to spend a ton of money on ads. I’ve done both to varying degrees of success. Ironically, though, when you have to push yourself in every direction, eventually, your brain turns to mush, and you run out of clever things to say on Social Media. That leaves you with option number two, which I have dabbled in quite a bit. The problem with buying ads is that you’re vulnerable to forces you can’t control. A change in how Amazon or Facebook show your ads or a change in the algorithm will turn a profitable ad into a dud in a heartbeat. It can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you feel burnt out from constantly pushing yourself.
And that is my biggest problem these days. I got into the writing gig with the best of intentions. Like anyone who starts a side gig, I want to make my life easier. But sometimes, when I’m feeling down, I can’t help but feel like I’ve done the opposite. Sometimes, I think I’m crazy for pushing myself and spending time working on something that may never pay off when I could be relaxing.
Maybe I was a gold miner in a past life, always looking for that lucky strike. Sometimes, when I’m buying ads, I feel like I’m playing the lottery, hoping this time the investment will be worth it. Maybe I’m a dreamer, seeing the potential of how things could be but never quite being able to reach it. And that’s the double-edged sword of it all. The dream inspires me and drives me to push past the boundaries of this dull, everyday life. But the dream also wears me down and leaves me ragged and burnt out. I thought I was a machine when I was younger and could go nonstop forever. But as I grow older, I know that was an illusion. The dream inspires me and beckons me, but sometimes, it feels like the dream is killing me.
– Ryan
