Turning the Corner…

I had meant to write this post back around Thanksgiving, but I had family in town and was incredibly busy, so here we are. Like most of us, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time fixated on all the stuff that has been bad the last few years. With the Pandemic hanging over our head constantly it’s been a struggle for most of us. I’m no exception. I spent most of 2020 isolated in our new apartment in Brownsville TX, a city we had just moved to prior to the lockdown. My wife was ill for several months and at times I struggled mightily with depression and anxiety. This year has brought a whirlwind of activity. For instance, Spotify reminded me the other day that I released a single at the end of 2020, Rusty Blue Van, and an EP of unreleased jazz instrumentals “Aurora” in January of 2021. I had honestly forgotten. Because of everything that has happened this year, that felt like a thousand years ago.

I feel like I’ve turned a corner at some point this year. We started the year off buying a home, which ate up several months of time and completely changed all of our habits and schedules once we had moved. I should back up and say that I stopped drinking alcohol on December 31st 2020. Maybe that was the true starting point. When we walked headfirst into the stress that is buying a home, I did it sober. It was scary. I felt vulnerable, unable to retreat into the numbing effects of alcohol to sooth my nerves. After a while I realized I didn’t need it. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t find myself instantly younger and more productive having giving up alcohol, but I find myself more clear headed. The fog of depression that seemed to get worse and worse has receded and while I’m not perfect, I’m a lot more content and happy. Of course, I’ve also noticed how much all of our culture seems to be geared toward drinking and I’m shocked at how many shows, commercials, etc act like you can’t have a good time unless your drinking. It’s almost like it’s our national past time. When you tell people you don’t drink, they look at you strangely and ask “why?”, as if you need a reason. I think drinking is the only bad habit that you have to justify not doing. If you tell people you don’t like mustard they don’t bat an eye. Tell them you don’t drink and they either pity you or interogate you on why? There has to be something wrong with you, otherwise why wouldn’t you willingly poison yourself? So I just nod and tell them I stopped for my health, I leave out the part about also stopping for my sanity…

I’ve also worked alot this year on changing my viewpoint to focus more on gratitude. The thing is, I have a long way to go and honestly I do it one day at a time, as we all should. But I do feel like I have a ton to be thankful for. I’m fortunate to have met Amber almost 17 years ago. No one event has changed my path forward more than that. I’ve learned more about myself and others through our relationship than I ever thought possible and I’m so grateful for the growth that we experience together. I’m thankful that we still find new adventures to share, even after all this time. Our latest is colaborative art projects, like the work we did for the local community theater. I don’t think I’ve felt a joy as good as when Amber and I channel our collective artistic talents into a single project. It’s bliss personified. I’m thankful that we have a house again because it allows me to grow gardens. When I first started doing Online Marketing, I grew gardens in my off hours. My reasoning was that the time I spent out digging in the dirt offsets the negative effects of being online all day. I had forgotten that. I’m remembering now, and it’s great. I feel immense joy everytime I harvest more veggies or see a new bloom.

I’m thankful that I finally stopped procrastinating and started my journey as an indie author. It isn’t always easy and I agonize about finding the time and energy necessary to create, but it’s entirely worth it. Puting out my first few short stories was fun and rewarding, but releasing Tears of the Dragon, took me to a whole different level. It’s scary putting all these words together and putting them out there for everyone to read. Far more scary than releasing new music in my opinion, but it’s totally worth it. The response that I’ve received so far has blown me away. It’s kept me inspired and I’ve been able to keep it going so far. My plan is to release two, hopefully three novels next year. Who knows, I may do four, but that seems to be pushing it. Details on at least one of the new novels is coming relatively soon.

Now I have been supposed to put out some music and I have some unfinished songs languishing in limbo on my computer, but maybe soon I’ll make them happen. I’m just having to learn to balance both my creative outlets at the same time. It’s a good problem to have. Hopefully when the music comes out, some of you guys will want to hear it.

Last, but not least, I’m thankful for all of you and the support you’ve shown me in this new endeavour. I grew up a musician and a dreamer. I’ve been a musician and performer most of my life. The switch to author has been scary, but less so with all of you here. When I used to play shows in Wichita, I used to always post the next day about how incredible the exchange of energy is between performer and audience and how much love I felt. I had thought that it would be different with writing, but it’s not. The energy is still there and I still feel it. If anything now I feel it in a more sustained manner. I appreciate it, every bit of it. Thank you all for your support and for reading my occasional rants on here. We’ve come a long way and it’s just the beginning. As always feel free to drop me a line. I promise, I’ll answer every one of them. Till next time…

Take care, and we’ll talk soon! Stay safe!

– Ryan