Holiday Movie Reviews Part One – Planes Trains and Automobiles / Thanksgiving Turkey Film Fest

Planes Trains and Automobiles (1987)

This was actually my third time seeing this perennial Thanksgiving movie, and I have to admit, my time in living in the Midwest (Great Plains, whatever…) really helped with my enjoyment of it. The first time I showed this to Amber we actually lived in Wichita, KS, so the entire section of the movie where they dunk relentlessly on Wichita was made all the more hilarious. For those of you who haven’t seen it, this John Hughes directed comedy is about a poor schmuck named Neal Page, played by Steve Martin, who just wants to make it home in time for Thanksgiving, but ends up in a holiday travel nightmare from hell. I can personally identify with this, because twice in my life I’ve been in major travel nightmares, ironically once when trying to get to Wichita, KS, and once trying to drive from Sterling Virginia back to NC on the day after Christmas. As bad as those trips were, neither time did I have to put up with anything like Del Griffith, played by John Candy. Personally I think Neal is a better person than I because I would have probably murdered Del in the first ten minutes. Neal does not though, even though he successfully ditches him at several points in the movie, only to always end up running back into him. 

The entire Wichita section cracks me up so hard, even though after living there I can say that was definitely not Wichita because there were hills. Trust me, there are no hilly roads in Wichita, KS, that place is flat as a pancake. However what is totally true is that O’Hare Airport in Chicago was shut down for weather. That happens about 90% of the time during the Winter. Trust me, I spent about 10 hours there one night, only for my plane to get cancelled. The bathroom scenes at the motel in Wichita  were so icky, but hilarious, especially when Neal splashes water from the sink, without realizing Del’s socks are soaking in the water and then grabbing a towel but accidentally grabbing a pair of underwear and wiping his face with them. The odd couple’s mishaps continue to escalate, including but not limited to, nearly freezing to death (the frozen dog’s face never fails to crack me up), driving the wrong way on the freeway, burning their rental car to a crisp, backing into the front of a motel room, and getting said burnt up car impounded. By the end of it, Neal is more than ready to part ways with Del, but this is a John Hughes film so, of course, Neal finds out that Del doesn’t have a home to go to on the holidays and ends up finding him and inviting him home with him to spend Thanksgiving with his family. It’s incredibly heart warming, and probably the perfect end to a holiday movie. Pure John Hughes perfection. I watched Ashleigh Burton’s review of this recently and she bawled like a baby during the end, which is, I’m sure, the intended reaction.

Amber’s Take:

What a clusterfuck of a trip. All I can say is Steve Martin has more will than I do, I would have given up as soon as I landed in Wichita. Hell, I may have never made it to the airport to begin with!  I will say I was disappointed that it wasn’t actually filmed in Wichita for that portion of the movie…and clearly not Kansas either. I know most movies don’t actually film where they say they are, but I do think if it would have AT LEAST been filmed somewhere in Kansas it would have had better effect for the “in the middle of nowhereness” that is Wichita (though Wichita is a pretty cool place in reality).  Oh that hotel, holy no! I wanted to throw up through that entire scene. If I ever have to stay in a hotel like that I may burn it to the ground. Overall, this is a hilarious movie with a warm and fuzzy ending that has something for everyone. Plus I love Steve Martin, so I could never hate it. 

Thanksgiving Night Turkey Film Festival Review

Okay so in 2013 we instituted the Thanksgiving Night Turkey Film Festival where myself and Amber, and whomever was also there at the time, watched a plethora of B Movies and openly mocked them or as we put it, “Mystery Science Theater” them. We’ve seen some doozies over the years but actually hadn’t been able to have it in the last few years due to work schedules. This year it was back with a vengeance as we tackled two really off the wall choices. Also this year, we were lucky enough to have Brian Adams, our homie, as well as a blogger for hockey blog Brotherly Puck, sit in on the fun. So without further adieu, may I present our reviews from the 2020 Thanksgiving Night Turkey Film Festival!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

A group of aliens come to Earth disguised as Clowns, oh wait, Klowns, in order to capture, kill and eat the human population of a small town. Yeah I really typed that and they made a movie out of it. The tagline on the poster merely reads “It’s Craazzy!” and I cannot argue with it. This movie is also ridiculous fun. The clown’s are incredibly well done and the plot never drags, as you have a crazy clown episode about every three or four minutes. The clown gags get more and more over the top as the movie goes on, including popcorn that grows into mini clowns, balloon animals that come to life and the infamous cotton candy guns that trap humans in cocoons for later consumption. It’s totally over the top and I can’t recommend it enough. Especially if your wife is afraid of clowns… (see below)

I will say, unlike a lot of B Movies I’ve seen, this movie is well made. The sets, clown costumes, specials effects, etc are all top notch. It’s also wildly inventive on how the Klowns use variations of normal Circus / Clown tricks to trap the mostly clueless population. Although I have to question why people aren’t alarmed by the fact that Clowns just show up in random places?? I mean I’m sorry, if I’m walking down the street and see a random clown pop up, I’m going the other way. Actually, I’m totally lying. Once when I lived in downtown Wichita, I looked out the window  and saw a clown stalking around and acting creepy. Next thing you know, I’m outside trying to find the clown. So in other words, I would have totally ended up in a cotton candy cocoon serving as a protein shake for a bunch of seriously messed up clowns…

Oh wait, I didn’t even mention my favorite part where a Klown does shadow puppets on the wall for a crowd of dimwitted onlookers. The last shadow is a dinosaur which, I kid you not, swallows the people, who then appear shrunken down in the clown’s hand. He then drops them into a bag of living popcorn, which appears to happily devour them. No I wasn’t on drugs, this really happened… My take, come for the Klowns, stay for the psychedelic chaos that ensues!

Amber’s Take:

(Warning: Amber DOES NOT like clowns…)

Ok, I have seen this movie before, but it’s still fucked up. If I saw a meteor and when looking for it I found a Big Top tent I’d be running my ass FAR FAR away. Giant cotton candy pods and popcorn lasers are pretty fun though, even though I will never look at cotton candy the same.  All is well though as I fell asleep about 15 minutes in so no more stupid clowns for me. We had a ginormous Thanksgiving meal so I went into a food coma… or was it because I hate clowns and they can go F@!k themselves? The world may never know….

Brian’s Take

I finally experienced the cult classic for the first time this Thanksgiving and was thoroughly entertained. Oh to have been a fly on the wall during the various meetings regarding the production of this movie… I imagine the meetings were more reminiscent of a group of teenagers drinking in their parents’ basements as opposed to professional board meetings on the 30th floor of an NYC skyscraper, but I’m going to pretend it was the latter for sheer entertainment value. The creative minds behind Killer Klowns from Outer Space knew exactly what movie they were shooting for, and quite honestly knocked it out of the park. The film embraces its own insanity and runs with it. It truly feels like a run because there are incredibly few dull moments in between the advancement of the “plot” and the various cutaway scenes of the clown-aliens wreaking absolute havoc on unsuspecting people. You know what you’re getting with this movie: a film simply intended to entertain without worrying about a complex plot or trying to develop deep characters before they are promptly murdered by psychotic clown-aliens. If you’re ever craving an absolutely insane movie that doesn’t require a ton of mental duress, or just need to turn your brain off and watch the b-movie equivalent of an acid trip for ~90 minutes, or simply need a reminder of why clowns/klowns are just plain horrifying, give Killer Klowns a whirl.

2 Lava 2Lantula (2016)

The world is about to be destroyed by Lavalantulas, pissed off, lava spiders that rip shit up, and our only hope is… the cast of Police Academy??? Yep, Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow are all that stand between us and fiery destruction in the arachnid version of Sharknado. I had never heard of this movie and we realized upon starting it that it was a sequel, but we watched it anyway, because if these guys don’t care about logic, why should we??

If you’ve seen Sharknado you know what you’re in for here. Steve Guttenberg’s character, Colton West, apparently saved the West Coast from these pesky fire spiders before, so now he’s back to save Florida. Can anything really save Florida though? Even the film agrees as it spends a few minutes dunking on America’s most ratchet of states. The dialog and action are filled with tributes to other famous movies and actors that fly by so fast, odds are you’ll be lucky if you catch them all. (Never tell me the odds!) Near the climax of the movie, Guttenberg seems to be in a scenery chewing contest with Martin Kove’s General (That’s Colonel!) Jester. By the time Kove of Karate Kid and, more recently, Cobra Kai fame, instructs his forces to “sweep the leg” of the giant mother spider, I realized that this movie had “jumped the shark” completely.

Once again though, much like Killer Klowns, I really had a good time with this movie. It’s completely and utterly ridiculous, but it completely embraces it. The situations and characters they run into keep getting more and more over the top as the movie progresses, while Colton seems to devolve into a Tim Allen Caveman grunt fest as the action picks up. Michael Winslow does what he’s known for and busts out the vocal sound effects to maximum effectiveness. We honestly laughed our asses off at this movie, which I think is superior to any Sharknado after part three. Now we need to do the completely logical thing and go back and watch the first one. 

Amber’s Take:

I feel like the MC Hammer (or is it Hammer?) song 2 Legit 2 Quit needs to be in this movie somewhere. Lava tarantulas (that can apparently throw spikes that grow from their body-pretty creative), the Police Academy, Alligator Dundee, Sensi John Kreese and the SyFy Network could ONLY convene in Florida. My life is so much better for having watched this movie. It has the right amount of hokeyness, bad acting and horrible CGI so this movie gets a full 5 turkeys from me. Now I REALLY want to watch the first one because it has a cameo from Fin Shepard! 

Brian’s Take

Have you ever felt like you were being gaslighted by a movie? I can’t say it’s a common feeling, but I certainly got that from 2 Lava 2 Lantula. The much-anticipated (may be an exaggeration) sequel to Lavalantula sees the cast of Police Academy take on another wave of vicious lava-born arachnids as they attempt to take over the state of Florida. Some say this was based on a true story, because #Florida. The movie wastes little time as the Lavalantulas begin their assault within the first 10-15 minutes of the film. What then transpires is roughly 80 minutes of Sharknado-esque insanity as Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow attempt to save America’s crazy uncle of a state from the Lavalantulas. Fret not, Michael Winslow is more than able to diffuse the high stress environment with his patented talents for sound effects. It unfortunately, is not enough to keep Guttenberg’s character from gradually transitioning into a grunting caveman throughout the film. Exactly how and why this occurs is very much left open to the viewer, but it happens, nonetheless. You’ll find yourself gleefully quoting his various grunted lines back at the movie just because of how over-the-top the delivery is, particularly the term “Gargantulantula.” Yep. That’s a thing. As with the Sharknado franchise, you have to be in a particular mood to enjoy this film, and a few drinks certainly don’t hurt. You’ll lose a few brain cells watching this film regardless, but it’s all in the name of good fun.

Well that’s all for this week! We’ll have another round of Holiday Movie Reviews next Monday. Subscribe to the newsletter and you won’t have to check back, as we’ll send you an email when the new one is up! Happy Holidays and let me know what Christmas / Holiday specials and movies I should review next!