Creative Conundrum

I’ve been drawn to music for as long as I can remember. As a teenager, I pantomimed to 80’s metal albums when I wasn’t relentlessly practicing guitar. I’ve always recorded music in my free time, ranging from experimental freeform pieces to acoustic singer-songwriter and everything in between. It’s been as integral to me as the air I breathe. Yet, on November 19th, 2019, I played what has to date been my last live show. Since then, I’ve concentrated mainly on my growing author career.

Then, the other day, I was chatting with an old friend online. We were both in the Charlotte music scene and have kept in touch since then. Like me, he is drawn to music like a moth to a flame. Also, like me, he isn’t as young as he used to be. And that’s what has been bugging me for the last few years. I’ve had this thought that sticks in my head.
“Music is a young man’s game.”
And I certainly think there is truth to it. But what do you do when you’re getting no younger but still feel the urge? If it is a young man’s game, why do I still feel the urge?

That’s what I’ve been pondering lately. Why do we do it? Why do I still feel the urge to play music, or, for that matter, why do I write? My friend and I talked about looking for something exciting, a way to get kicks in an increasingly mundane world. I certainly think that has merits. I mean, I’m constantly at odds with the mundaneness of the everyday world. I always have been. Just ask my wife. If anything, the older I get, the more antsy I become. Is it as simple as I’m looking for something deeper and more meaningful than my everyday life? Yet, I look back and haven’t lived a boring life. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve had many adventures and accomplishments, so why do I continue to push into the unknown?

I also think of my wife, who has never met an art project she didn’t love. Over the years, she has moved through many hobbies and disciplines, usually discarding them once her interest wanes. Sometimes, she revisits them, but most of the time, she does not. We’ve had many conversations about the creative mindset and why creatives do what they do. She makes no bone about it; art keeps her sane. It helps her process the world. When she paints, time melts away, and she can be completely present in the moment.

Similarly, no matter what I write, parts of me and what I’m concerned about at the time work their way into my stories. Sometimes, I don’t notice it till later, but there are plenty of themes that are important to me, woven into the background of most of my novels. I also understand getting lost in your art. When I write and get really into it, there is nothing like it. I find myself completely lost in it. Time slips away, and it isn’t unusual to look up from writing only to find it’s hours later. It’s the best feeling in the world.

Honestly, I don’t think there is a wrong answer. If you’re creative, you don’t always know why you do what you do. You just do it. Whether you do it to find meaning in a seemingly meaningless existence, to understand the world around you, or even to understand yourself, the important thing is that you do it. I think it’s the nature of creatives to question what we do and why we do it. For the last few years, I have kept music packed away while trying to push myself as an author. I think it’s time I realized I can do both. Certain types of music are a young man’s game, but that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to evolve and find ways to create music that makes sense to me. My friend is also engaged in this, trying forms of music he’s never tried before. And that’s the right mindset. We all evolve and change, so why shouldn’t our art evolve and change with us? Music, in particular, has always been my jam, pardon the pun. Because of the trauma from personal wounds, as well as the pandemic, I walked away from it. I think it’s time I made peace with it. After all, music has always been a way for me to sort my mind and calm my nerves. Maybe, most of all, it’s time for me to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for the trauma and pain of the past.

So, maybe why we do it isn’t as important as the fact that we do it. The world needs creatives now more than ever. If for no other reason than to help give a sliver of hope in a sea of chaos and darkness. So, whatever your reason, make your art, write your novel, paint your painting. Doing so will help you and inspire untold others to do what they do.

– Ryan