You Can’t Go Back, But You Can Evolve
I’ve always been a “you can’t go back” kind of guy. Once I set myself on a path, that’s it—no looking back, no second-guessing. Over the years, there have been a few exceptions to this rule, but generally, I’ve stuck with it. The most significant exception over the years has been music.
My love of music began at an early age, and I pantomimed to bands in my bedroom, dreaming of performing on stage. In the early nineties, I started playing in band rooms and garages with friends, then graduated to playing clubs and music venues. Eventually, I joined My So-Called Band, a band I traveled up and down the East Coast roads in a rusty blue van for almost nine years. But all good things come to an end, and I eventually decided to settle down. I left the band in October of 2005, bought a house in Gastonia, NC with my future wife, and took a turn at domestic bliss.
Fast forward to the fall of 2013. During the past eight years I had worked a job, started an online music zine for Charlotte, NC music, thrown plenty of live shows, and started my own business. Naturally, my next move was to break my sabbatical and play a live show again. Part of the reason I had left music was because I had developed some pretty intense anxiety when it came to playing live. But, that fateful night, we went to open mic night at Zoe’s Coffeeshop, which my wife and I frequented often. The host for the open mic night had previously made me feel comfortable and encouraged me to give it a shot. I had resisted, but that night, I felt like it could be different. I clearly remember feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience when I retook the stage. But afterward, I felt massive relief. I went on to play a series of shows, including a sold-out show opening for some friends of mine at Zoe’s. But then, we moved to Wichita, KS.
It had been one thing to play in an area where I had history. What would a brand new audience in a place where I was a stranger think? Turns out, I was worrying for nothing. My first gig was at the Artichoke Sandwich Bar’s Annual Fish Fry. I did not expect much, but I ended up playing in front of four hundred people on an elevated flatbed trailer. It felt like Woodstock. I loved my time in Wichita. I ended up getting a monthly show at the Artichoke. Eventually, I picked up a fiddle player and the shows went into overdrive. I released my first physical CD in over fourteen years, during the Winter of 2018, entitled “Big Night Sky.” Of course, life is full of change and my fiddle player left right after that, derailing my momentum. Regardless, the CD ended up selling out, and I played a handful of gigs in 2019 before my “farewell” show in November of 2019. It was my last show in Wichita, as we had found out we would be moving to Brownsville, TX. At the time, I planned to find places to play and start back up here, but the Pandemic had other ideas.
The lockdown meant no places to play, so I settled into the apartment and finished my debut novel. In the meantime, I had become comfortable in my new role as an indie author. Since my debut in 2021, I’ve written five published novels and three short stories/novellas available on my website. During that time, I got used to writing being my creative outlet. But, over the past year, I’ve been thinking about what constitutes a creative outlet and why we creatives do it. My wife and I have also had wonderful conversations about the nature of creativity and why creatives feel compelled to create. During this time, I’ve been reminded that writing isn’t my only creative outlet. Indeed, the work I do for my “day job” as a business owner at SND Designs is also a creative endeavor. I’ve thought about this before, but since it is repetitive work by nature, I sometimes have to be reminded. In the past, I’ve always thought I could only have one big creative outlet, as if my energy and focus were finite and could only be used on one thing at a time. So, if something took the focus, the other creative arts got put on the shelf. I have come to recognize that that mindset is wrong.
In life, if you have a negative viewpoint, you tend to view opportunities as limited, and it causes you to give up because you don’t see the point. Similarly, if you view your energy and focus as limited, you’ll feel the same way about your art. However, neither case is true. Opportunities in life are endless if you know where to find them. Also, I’ve found that if I’m inspired, my energy and focus multiply to match the task at hand. With that being the case, I think it’s a matter of staying inspired and loving what you do. If you can maintain it, the sky is the limit. What I’m saying is that I’ve always thought I had to choose between music and writing because of my limitations. But maybe I’m wrong. Perhaps my limitations were self-inflicted all along. Maybe I don’t have to choose.
Maybe I can do both, and you can too.
– Ryan
