The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

My ARC copies for ‘The Silent Death’ went out a few days ago. You would think I breathe a sigh of relief. But, as it turns out, I’m not wired like that. At least, not anymore. According to the Myers-Briggs (if you believe in such things), I’m an ESTP. This personality type is known as the risk-taker. I don’t believe in putting people in boxes, but much of what I read about ESTPs describes me. I crave adventure, love exploring, and, yes, to an extent, I like taking risks. That type of behavior led me to form my own business in 2009, as well as become an independent author in 2021. However, this personality type does come with a drawback. I’m not someone who likes to sit around bored.

More than just the usual urge to be productive that living under late-stage capitalism has embued upon us, I find that left to my own devices, my subconscious will actively search out the next adventure, the next fun thing, the next burst of endorphins. The problem is that life generally isn’t one set of adventures after another. Life tends to be pretty mundane, and that’s okay. However, if your brain is constantly searching for the next adventure, and there is none, that can lead to problems. With me, the mundane leads to boredom, and boredom can lead to depression pretty quickly.

But it’s not always like that. Plenty of times, my boredom with the mundane has driven me to do some pretty fun things. Besides the self-employed and indie author gigs I’ve already mentioned, I’ve also created an online music website for the Charlotte music scene that ended up being a wonderful creation that led to many fond memories, friendships, and many great concerts. At one point, I also started writing songs on my acoustic guitar. That led to me rekindling my music career after a nearly nine-year sabbatical. That led to a six-and-a-half-year career revival where I met amazing people, played shows with brilliant musicians, and put out my first new CD in 14 years.

A lot of times, though, it drags me through some deep valleys of depression. It seems like that has worsened as I’ve gotten older. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I feel like I have less time left or the fact that there seems to be an existential dread that started during the pandemic and just won’t let go. In any case, when the downs hit, they hit hard.

But I’ve gotten better at dealing with it. These last six years, I’ve done a lot of looking inward and trying to understand myself. It’s been a long journey, and at times, it hasn’t been easy. But it’s because of that understanding that I’ve gotten better at navigating the lows and understanding what brings me there. I’ve also come to understand the nature of my adventure-seeking personality, and I’ve learned ways to satiate it when there isn’t a lot of excitement. It’s a delicate balance, but I’m getting there.

But yeah, the ARC copies went out two days ago, so now I’m waiting to see what people think. It’s a mystifying feeling that no one other than a creative, such as an author or musician, would understand. That moment when your creation, which started out as a thought in your head, takes its first steps into the wild and into other people’s hands, and there is nothing mundane about that.

– Ryan